We all tend to think that the pranks we played on our friends and the wild things we did are the only sweet memories we can cherish about our high school days. Well, we all are wrong. What about the silly fights with our teachers, the baseless complaints and naggings and most of all the funny mistakes we commit in our test and exam papers. Some of those mistakes were made to intentionally bluff them, but most of them were innocent blunders.
The subjects I hate most were Hindi and Manipuri and these were the subjects that never forgave me either. I flunked 70% of tests and exams because of these unloved subjects whose alphabets and vowels I never gave myself the chance to get into my head and heart. Lucky that these subjects were categorized as non-major subjects, else I would still be in my seven standard punching आ इ ई उ ऊ into my obstinate head.
When it comes to Manipuri or Hindi papers, the sole option to get the passing mark was to do hardcore memorization of the letters for a given question. The task becomes herculean if you are to memorize answers in a whole textbook, how thin it may be. You know that this is impossible. I have to be selective there to save time. Luck does not always favor those who are selective, most often whatever I memorized were not part of the examination questions. And this is when I usually invoke the trick of survival.
For all questions I was clueless, I just write down the same questions as the answers, but in reverse. This fills the answer sheets and also gave me a sense of satisfaction that I have done every bit to pass by hook or by crook. Thinking of it today, I am troubled why my teachers never exposed my unconventional bluffing.
Lets get back to English now. Wish I could review all the exam papers that I have written during my high school days to have a good laugh at myself and to explore the confusing nature of the English language to a high school kid. Alas! That won't be possible as schools do not archive examination papers for being not as precious as paintings or gems. Schools just trash away the papers to shops to be used as wrappers.
My tryst with Manipuri and Hindi was conscious bluffing though. The other part that we all are ignorant about is the mistakes/errors we must have committed unconsciously; Errors that are disastrous, yet hilarious. Here are some examples of bold mistakes we also must have committed in our course of taming English.
English
He is a girl.
The bowels are a, e, i, o, u and sometimes w and y.
A passive voice is when the subject is the sufferer, as in “I am loved.”
A noun is a word to give names to human beings and animals.
Arabs wear turbines on their heads.
Romans came and conquered the Geeks.
Abraham Lincoln was a great Precedent.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
William Tell shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America whilst cursing about the Atlantic.
Ancient Egyptians lived in the Sarah desert and traveled by Camelot.
Science
To collect sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
A Fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.
Vacuum is a large, empty space where the pope lives.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
Geography
Equator is a managerie lion running around Earth through Africa.
Salt is found in Gujarat because, it is found in Gujarat.
Sugar is made from Sugar crane because, it has sugar in it.
Scripture class
Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
David was skilled at playing liar.
Jacob stole his brother’s birthmark.
Joseph gave refuse to the Israelite.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Judas was Jesus’ favorite child. Judas earned 30 coins from selling Jesus.
Stephen died because of stone problem.
The prodigy son ran away from his father to go and live with hogs.
Note: The list will be endless. I leave it to you all to complete.
